My obvious choices are true! Like Denzel and Kid Rock, because we all know that I like them mature and I like them White boys. But I don't have a chance in hell of meeting or seeing them up close. Plus, Denzel is married and I have never had another woman's husband. A few women's boyfriends, but never a womans's husband. I stay away from that kind of dealings to stay right with God, and feel somewhat justified that I might be able to have mine to myself! Since coming out of prison, I've had no sex at all. Truthfully, I haven't had sex since October of 1996. Women claim that it can't be done...I'm living proof that it can. You can shut it down and concentrate on the things that mean something to you in your life. When I stopped having sex, it was soul purpose to get my mind off the man in my life, and onto the things that meant something to me. Top of my list was receiving my education!
So I made it my business to pray without ceasing, and ask God to put me in the place that will allow me to get an education. Money was always an issue, and I was placed in a place where I could get an education; Sears. I had a lot of men chasing me while I was there. Trying to be focused is hard with men all around you. Sadly, it was me that moved out of my "space" of Godly expectation and on September 11, 2001, almost five years into my being focused. I picked up the phone and called Steve. I don't have to tell you that I have been on this tumble that hasn't stopped ever since. A tumble is different from a fall. When you are in a tumble you don't know where your going to end up when you stop moving. You might end up in a ditch, or you could end up on a cloud. You never know.
So while I've been tumbling, I've noticed the idea of the word option. The men that I will talk about are all options, with a twist. They are not celebrities, but they what I like. Anyone who knows me understands that the men I like are not "rough necks", although I have had crushes on some of the most infamous men in the city. Paul Samples was the one who stands out for me the most. I don't know if he still has a woman floating around out there, because he is dead, but I think he's the closet to a "rough neck" I think I have ever come. although we met at the lockers after third hour, after awhile of listening to the stories, I found I was in way over my head. So when he began crashing my speech class and giving speeches about his "job", I just acted as if he wasn't there. Although Mr. Rogel wouldn't let me ignore his obvious liking me; I did.
That's the jest of my life. It takes me years to actually "close the deal" with the men in my life. I've know the handful of lovers in this city I have had, for the majority of my life. If Paul would have lived there is no telling what could have happened years up the road. So these are my three prominent choices for potential lovers who are not married. They could have a girlfriends or multiple girlfriends, but I would love to "get in where I fit in".
My first choice is kinda scary and I have surprised myself with this one. In high school Terrance Herring was never seen with a woman and mostly with his big brother. He has been tormented and made afraid over the last spring and summer escapades we would have. I made the mistake of seeing his likeness on Facebook and liking it. He was really mean to me in high school and that I know now is the sign of a tormented man. Wanting something and too frustrated to get it. Terrance I know has his "issues", but I was willing to look past all of those. I loved his neediness, because that gave me the chance to "show up" and see him at those times that he craved things....I enjoyed his weakness for beer. Sadly, he made a huge mistake and got stranded at a hospital 15 miles away. He popped up on my Facebook chat, one night when I was going to look after my Pet for the last time. His sister had dropped him off and now he was once again in need. So at one in the morning I was off down M-59 to get him.
Needless to say, Steve, got rid of Terrance fast after that. When the Winter semester was over we faded away all together. Do to that stunt that night, I cousin called (on someone's word, who I can't say, because I'm not sure) and told me how to be off-line on Facebook, so all the guys who found me attractive in the past wouldn't be pooping up and telling me how cute I still am. He eventually picked a fight, that came out of no where, and deleted me and moved on. I hear he shudders when I drive past his street on my way home from school. Poor "T".
The next guy, is of White boy infamy. Shawn Gallespie is a seemingly monster of coolness and popularity. He had one of those best friend relationships that is in the PCH hall of fame. As always, my attraction for this person goes back to high school, since I didn't run in the circles he would frequent. I did keep up with his life through his mother. This will come to no surprise to him, because I told him when I spoke to him this past summer. He has lost all of his hair, but his smile is still as sweet and sexy as it was when he had hair. With me that's all that counts with a man like him. When I saw him a friends photos on Facebook, I hit that friend up and asked him to hook me up with Shawn. He ain't my friend anymore, and has deleted me, but not blocked me from his life. Shawn told me where he worked and know where I could find him. He's not as afraid of Steve as Terrance, but he's not as forward as Terrance is. He just hung around my class at school, and pretended like he was studying for his next class. I never knew who he was although I had noticed him in classes and in the hall. There was something familiar about him, but without hair, I didn't recognize him. On the very last day of class I ran into him in the hall and remembered him from the photos I had seen on my ex-friend's page.
I turned quickly and pointed to him as he walked by, "Are you Shawn Gallespie?" He put on a frown and said, "No." I did not relent, however and said, "Yes you are." Then he flashed that smile that has always made me go mushy on the inside, ans smiled back. We talked until we both were late for our next class. I've never went to his job to visit, mainly because in high school I use to visit him at work everyday. I would stand in his work area and watch him work all day. I never sealed the deal and he was never aggressive enough to make anything a must, and so we lost contact...Until this past summer. I think he's still available and I'm wondering if he wonders about me. Because I still wonder about him.
Lastly, there is Tony Morton. Now, I try not to date brothers, cousins or stuff like that. Anthony Morton is also a member of the PPD. Tony is just sexy, and a woman has to have a taste for men like him to really appreciate his attitude. I would like to tell the story of how I first met Tony, but that's another five paragraphs. It included a child, a silent alarm and him pulling his gun. Mostly it includes my laughing at his zeal and seriousness. Tony has these hazel eyes that are a pleasure to gaze into. Unlike the last two, he's not only forward, but not hard to find either, and the loveliest thing of them all is that he's not afraid of Steve. Instead of making him go away, they have to keep reminding me how tacky it would be to go from prison for one cop, to sleep with another. I guess. (smile)
Tony got shot this past year and I wanted to send him flowers and a funny card, because he got shot by a naked man. I didn't in fear that they would say I was at it again, only this time I was on to another cop. I've been scarred for life actually and would never make an attempt to contact any man with the hopes of making him "my man". Tony doesn't really care, however, and after he served me with Steve's latest PPO, I practically rammed into me with his patrol car to get my attention. I would love to tell him unequivocally, 'Tony, you have my attention!" (smile, again)
One night, while I was washing clothes at the local laundry mat, tony showed up with his girlfriend. I was in the middle of becoming a stalker, so I ignored him and did my thing. When I went out to get something from my car Tony smiled at me. A sweet sexy smile, and I have told you how a smile can make me feel. When I came back from my car, he had his girl pressed against the car giving her a long, soft and sensual kiss. The look on her face was almost erotic and I thought I was not at the laundry mat, but in the middle of a soft porn film. Watching him kiss her like that was memorizing and I thought to myself, "Damn, that man has got some skills." I don't know many men who kiss their women like that in public, because those kind of kisses lead to other things and that wasn't the place for those kinds of activities. Once he had finally broke away, and I was stuffing clothes into the washer, I looked out the window and Tony was standing there watching me with those hazel eyes. They appeared to be saying, "I want you." I turned up my nose and continued my chore, but in my mind I was saying, "I want you to kiss me like you did her." Tony got skills (big smile)
I don't know, maybe I just am so mad at Steve that these men have become more appealing than before. I'm certain that I will never be with any of them anytime soon, but I always want to keep my position clear. I am not a stalker and men love me. I am beautiful and smart and surely wise. I am an asset to any man willing and able to handle a handful like me. Steve has perfected the art of control. Yet lacks the ability to show the much needed skills that it takes to keep a woman like me happy. I'm into year 14 of being celibate, and I'm at the point that I'm not seeing a whole lot of clarity from such a HUGE sacrifice. My body needs that kinda love and I think I'm cranky and moody most of the time, because of it. In the near future, I have to do something to help ease my mind and my PMS. When a man can't show up, he has to be put down. I have to start understand my value and illuminate my worthiness as a woman and a sexual being.
I'm just saying...
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